north carolina

leaving for north carolina tomorrow. i'm relieved to leave the city, as i was always relieved to leave la when i lived there. i love the urban setting, but i find myself more relaxed when i got back to north carolina. maybe it's just leaving 'home' that relaxes me. maybe it's an escapist complex (i just made up that term - i have no clue what it officially should be called). i think i'm most unsettled when i start to feel settled. i knew that i wasn't going to stay in la forever, and after 4 years of living there, i left, maybe because i got anxious that i'd end up there forever. i'm not sure if i want to stay in ny forever either. i love not having to drive, but i don't think i'd stay here forever either. i'm not sure where i'd stay forever. maybe i won't ever find a place to stay forever. i can be a nomad forever, but i'm not sure if i'll like that. maybe age will make me settle at some point.

by the way, my sister is now engaged. they already think of themselves as life partners, just not officially married. i'm just glad that i can now call address her guy as her fiance. boyfriend has been too insubstantial of a term for him.

safe travels to everyone and happy holidays.

food

i finished the master cleanse/lemonade diet a couple of days ago. the diet involves deprivation of solid foods and substaining merely on a mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. the goal is mainly to flush out your digestive system and rid your body of toxins (my main goal) although some people use it as a weightloss diet (not my goal). the diet lasted for the minimum of 10 days. before embarking on the diet, i researched blogs and other postings of people who shared their experience. almost all of them said that you wouldn't even care for food after the 4th or 5th day. i became very curious that your body actually wouldn't yearn for food because i'm always up for food. i love food, but i wanted to see if this diet really would make me look at food differently and feel refreshed and clean afterwards. by my 4th or 5th day, i started to dream about food. in the dreams, i'd eat and then feel guilty that i've cheated and ruined the diet. i obsessed more and more about food. maybe making breakfast for my sister and preparing dinner for my dad wasn't really helping the process. also, since i'm not a big fan of sweets, it was hard to limit myself to the sweet lemonade. i couldn't wait to eat real food again.

now that i'm back to eating the usual fare, i feel a little bogged down. i'm not sure if i can do the diet again, but it's made me realize that the way i eat is an indulgence. but then, i really don't indulge in anything else. it's one luxury that i think i'll keep.

ignorance

at the post office today, an old woman (she was no lady) walked in and got in the line behind me. i'm not sure if i ticked her off, but as soon as she took her spot, she began talking nonstop: "i was born and raised in this country and you people come here and take all our things. you here in america so act american. a bunch of cockroaches speaking your ack-ack-ack. you here in america and need to speak english." that's politely paraphrasing what she was saying. i noticed a trace of alcoholic stench on her, but she was dressed nicely. if she hadn't opened her mouth, you would've mistook her for a lady. so i didn't expect something so vile to come out of her. the funny thing is that she mention god, that she was right with god and god knows. my guess is that she's christian which means she believes in hell. and the irony is that she's pretty much bought herself a one-way ticket there. would the christian god accept anyone with so much hate in heaven? also, the things she said actually made me think of the kkk and their attitude towards any non-wasps. but this woman was black! and because she's so old, she must've grown up before the civil rights and desegregation. she should know how wrong it is to be so hateful to people merely based on the color of their skin. the old is supposed to endowed us with their wisdom. this is one old woman who doesn't need to pass on anything. i just hope her family knows how she embarrasses herself in public and tries to help her.

high fidelity

this past sunday night, b and i saw high fidelity, broadway musical based on the movie which was based on the nick hornby book of the same title. not that i walked out singing the songs but it was highly entertaining. the lyrics were incredibly well written, and the cast was so energetic. it made me feel old. the musical makes the characters a bit younger than they are in the book so instead of the early/mid-30s as in the book, the characters were more in their mid/late-20s in the musical. maybe the dancing and singing made them seem younger. and i think the actors were younger than their characters too. but regardless, it made me feel old, mainly because i started to think, "i used to have energy and drive like them. now i don't." what sucks is that i still haven't figured out my life.

as for my new schedule, not that i've been following it meticulously but consciously making the effort to not turn to the internet for every little thing that pops in my head has made a difference today. i'm not going to list what i've done, but i feel quite productive.

also, i'm on day 2 of the master cleanse/lemonade diet. it's so hard smelling food and not being able to eat it. i'm still cooking, mainly for b, because i can't imagine not having food as a part of my life. i love it too much. at least someone should enjoy it. i'm already making a mental list of foods i want the day this ends. i miss food.