alone to write

r left for an out-of-town job a couple of weeks ago. while i cherish my time alone, i miss r immensely. a friend, whose boyfriend left town for a few months to finish his degree, came over for brunch today. no one else would have listened to our anguish with the same sympathetic ears.

i made a tofu-based vegan frittata with swiss chard which turned out deliciously. i stole the recipe from a copy of isa chandra moskowitz's vegan brunch at borders. fruit and french-pressed coffee were served on the side. it felt really wonderful to cook for someone.

as a joke, we had planned to commiserate. in actuality, we ended up doing just so. my friend is quite a few years younger than me so their relationship is at a different stage than r and me. they had just started living together and have a good few years to be by themselves before their biological clocks start ticking. r and i are getting really close to settling down and starting to plan a family. in fact, we are in the midst of procuring a loan to purchase a condo in boerum hill, brooklyn. but we miss our respective men just the same.

after we ate and caught up, we met another friend of mine in central park. d and i had discovered crossing the line festival was happening today, and bento boxes made by some of our favorite chefs would be available. unfortunately, the weather was dreary with misting rain, and the distribution of bento boxes was terribly organized. the festival workers were made to wear these food trays, like the ones you'd see the popcorn guy wear at the baseball stands, and walk around the field to pass out the boxes. the notion of free food (or free anything), however, unleashed everyone's primal instinct. people savagely rushed to the workers and extended their hands like the beggars they would normally abhor and shirk from. my friends and i stood in our little huddle, merely hoping the workers would find us as the only civilized human beings left in the crowd and award us with the precious bento box. but as soon as one of them was just steps from reaching us, the other people would immediately surround the poor worker. we ended up with no bento box to taste but managed to enjoy a piece of chocolate (too sweet for my taste although understandably delectable), and as the crowd dispersed, we saw the bento box in all its glory on one of the tables, on display for photographers.

satisfied with a glimpse of what we had missed, we parted ways. i walked downtown along the eastern edge of the park and passed one art museum after another that reminded me of r. first, it was the cooper hewitt where we had our second date, and after the museum that day, we had our first kiss. then, it was the guggenheim where we went over the summer for the 50th anniversary celebratory exhibition of frank lloyd wright's achievements, from within outward, on a pay-as-you-wish afternoon. it had been my first visit to that museum. lastly, i passed the met. we were heading for it, by cutting through central park, on the day r proposed to me. i kept ducking under my umbrella to hide my face as it kept reaching the brink of bursting into tears. i cut across the park at 72nd street and popped into whole foods in the time warner building for a bit of distraction before ending up at home, alone.

i'm a good loner. i enjoy having time to myself. it doesn't take much to keep me away from boredom and nonsense. but ever since r, being alone gets harder and harder each time he takes an out-of-town job. it's not that i need to be around people now. i just need him in my presence. i haven't been sleeping well because of him. it feels strange to sleep in a bed meant for two when only one side is occupied. but he has booked his flight to return to new york for a weekend at the end of this month, which is just a couple of weeks away. i can't wait.