a battle

last night, i went to bed tired and felt so sure that it was the night to break the recent streak of insomnia. it's been going for about a week now. as i was lying in bed, my eyes closed, my breath steady, i felt myself drifting away. or more accurately, my consciousness drifting away. just at the brink of entering my subconscious, however, i encountered a wall of some sort. it felt like a film or a membrane that would cave in when i pressed upon it, but it remained unbreakable. i could not push through it. when it rejected me, my conscious came to me fully. i attempted to fall asleep again, and the same wall appeared. it simply refused to let me through into my subconsciousness. so i spent the rest of the night, lying as still as i could with my eyes closed and my breath steady. i was in at least a semi-conscious state for the rest of the night.

i feel that there's a battle between my conscious or subsconscious, or if such a thing is even possible. i don't think i'm going crazy. i wonder if having read the wind-up bird chronicle recently has anything to do with what's happening. i'm tired during the day, and with the exception of yesterday, i would not allow myself to take naps, an attempt to keep myself exhausted in hopes of being able to sleep that night. also, i am tired when i'm in my bed, in the darkness. i just can't fall asleep. now, it's at a point where i don't even have thoughts racing through my head. some thoughts drift in and out, but their pace would not normally keep me from falling asleep. i took a nap yesterday, and i didn't encounter this wall. i wonder, however, if i was able to fall sleep because i intended for it to be only a nap, that i wouldn't stay in my subconscious long even if i were able to access it. i want to know what's brewing in my subconscious, and i will break through that wall sooner or later.