cars and maybe a blowhorn

on our drive home yesterday, we passed by a car that ran into a ditch. there was an abc liquor store across the street. classic scene in rural north carolina.

according to the list of sample questions and answers provided by the INS, the constitution is “the supreme law of the land.” i didn’t know land had laws. i thought it mainly consisted of dirt. nations/societies have laws. maybe i’m mistaken with my american public educated mind and all. “the supreme law of the land” – it’s a phrase that simply cannot be said. it’s one that needs to be declare loudly, like with a blow horn. maybe i should bring one with me when i finally get to take the test. i’m sure it’s something that will pass security check.

jax movie selection

my sister arrived in jacksonville yesterday afternoon. we called the one and only theatre in town to see what was playing. think about that worst movies that got released this season. that’s what’s playing here. at least the golden compass and sweeney todd are playing. i was hoping for juno, but i was asking for too much there. disappointment is what i get for being optimistic. 2 good movies aren’t bad, however. and i do have netflix, for which i am incredibly thankful.

pigs vs. people

the other day, i heard on npr that, according to a recent census, there are more pigs and hogs in north carolina than people. yup, that’s my state.

holiday travel

i’m in north carolina for the next week or so and had the craziest time traveling here. first, i thought i booked my ticket for wednesday 12/19. good thing i was looking up my itinerary on monday 12/17 and discovered that i was to fly out the next day, tuesday 12/18. so monday was sort of a day of madness, trying to get everything done i thought i had two days to do. but most things were accomplished, and i was ready for the flight.

i headed for the subway station with r on tuesday morning as he was heading off to work and i was heading for the airport. we bid our gooey lover good-bye (yes, i’ve become one of those people), and i continued on the train to my stop. the plan was to take the train to astoria, queens and catch a bus from there to the airport.

a guy with luggage sat near me on the train so i guessed he was headed for the same destination. according to the schedule posted at the stop, the bus was supposed to come by every 10 minutes during that time of the day. we waited for about 40 minutes, and still no sign of the bus. people had already started hailing the rare cabs that happened to come by the area, strangers who paired up to split the fare. finally, the guy who was on the train with me, walked off to get a cab too. at that point, i was getting anxious about my flight as well. of course, as soon as we hopped in the cab, the bus showed up. at least we made it to the airport in good time.

but as things always seem to happen in my life, my flight got delayed by 40 minutes, something about heavy incoming air traffic. so i didn’t really need to take that cab. what’s done was done though so i had to get over it. the delay made me anxious about my connecting flight, however. the flight was supposed to take two hours, and with the delay, i had only five minutes to get to my other flight. i had a hunch that would entail running from one end of the airport to the absolute opposite end. thankfully, the flight was about 30 minutes shorter than expected so i ended up just walking briskly, not having to outright run, to the other end.

when i arrived at the other concourse, a cluster of people was standing at the entry. the concourse had been shut off. the lady next to me didn’t know what was happening. charlotte police officers whizzed past me as i waited along with the other anxious travelers. finally, we were allowed to pass through. i reached the gate just minutes before the flight was supposed to take off. i hopped on the plane and planted myself in my seat.

the plane was small, one of those with just two seats on each side of the aisle. because i got on the plane so late, i didn’t even bother to try to fit my carry-on in the overhead bin. i put it underneath the seat in front of me along with my purse. there was no one sitting next to me anyway. the flight attendant came by and told me that my bags were not under the seats enough. i tried to push them a little farther, and he walked away. i figured it was fine. but then, he came back and told me that he couldn’t close the door until i put my bags UNDERNEATH the seat in front of me. i was livid. why didn’t he had me do it “the right way” the first time around? he suggested putting my carry-on in the overhead bin, and i refused, out of spite, claiming that the compartment was too small for my bag. after some fidgeting, he was satisfied and said, “you are too kind,” for making the effort. i SO wanted to smack him.

when it came time to serve beverages, he ignored me. i did have my headphones on and didn’t exactly tried to get his attention, but he never made the effort to offer me anything. only as we were about to land did the little prick stopped by my seat to get my attention. i had already turned off my ipod, as the captain requested, but left my headphones in just to see if he would say anything. of course, in his power-tripping mode, he told me, “i need you to turn off your headphones.” okay, you don’t turn off “the headphones.” you turn off the mp3 player or whatever is playing the music. i told him it’s off, and he said, “okay,” in a tone that suggested that he didn’t believe me but didn’t want to start another altercation with me. come on! he’s attending a flight that doesn’t even leave the state. either he’s a rookie or really bad. some attendants are super laid back and easy on these smaller planes. really, dude, just ease off. i couldn’t even look at the condescending little jerk as i got off the plane although i nodded a good-bye to the captain. i’m totally writing u.s. airways about this experience. with customer service like this, no wonder american airlines are tanking.

what also made me irritated were the two women sitting behind me on that flight. they must’ve been in their 50s. when i sat down, one of them was talking about how her daughter just moved from brooklyn to manhattan. but she’s in harlem. (gasp!) and it’s the part of harlem where clinton has his office, and she likes all sorts of people and really enjoys the multi-cultural aspects of the city. wow. the effort to not come across as racist/elitist just oozed out of her mouth. then, when the flight attendant was giving me trouble about my bag, one of them said, “i don’t understand why people bring so much stuff with them. i’m just worried about my safety.” really, if you really were concerned about your safety, mind your own business! i just kept telling myself that she was totally itching to get back to her country club to knock down those martinis to keep from spitting at her. and to top it off, you know how you normally give the people who were sitting in front of you the courtesy to let them go ahead of you? the wench just jumped in front of me. i cut in front of her on our way to the airport building, only sorry that my backpack didn’t “accidentally” knock her over. as we waited by the luggage carousel, she had the nerve to glare at me. yeah, the holidays certainly bring the best out of people. and to think, i have to fly back to new york next friday... happy holidays, everyone!

runny nose and parched throat

it's that time of the year again. the annual cold. i always get really sick once a year, around the holidays. i felt i was starting to get sick about a few weeks ago and took some stuff that was able to circumvent it from festering. this time, however, it won. i've been bending over the bathroom sink, blowing out what seems to be an endless stream of snot. (i do this at home, ONLY at home, instead of blowing into a tissue, because i can wash my hands immediately afterwards without having to touch anything in between like a doorknob, and i don't want to go through ten boxes of tissues...because i have THAT MUCH snot.) my coughs make my lungs feel immensely huge and hollow while my throat feels full of goo. i've been sucking on zinc lozenges and drinking a glass of psuedo-emergen-c daily. i think i'm getting better though. in my experience, it helps to sweat so i sleep in a lot of warmth - under a heavy down comforter and wearing snuggly pj's - and i've been wearing a sweatshirt over whatever else i'm wearing around the apartment. i'm actually taking dayquil today so hopefully this won't last much longer.

security deposit

why can't landlords/ladies give tenants back their security deposits back in a reasonable amount of time? the building manager from my pasadena apartment, being a crackhead, stopped returning my calls about getting my deposit back. i had to email the city of pasadena to find out who the building owner was, google her, found another business that she owned, and then email her through through her other business's website. she was furious that i contacted her (go figure) and thought i was being inappropriate in contacting her...although it took her about 3 months to mail out the deposit to me. per pasadena's law, the landowner has 30 days to give the tenant his/her deposit.

the issue i currently have concerns our old apartment in manhattan. we moved out at the end of august. i've been calling the company for the past 2 months regarding our deposit. they kept telling us that they were sending it out. it never happened. i'm getting ready to send them a letter to state that i will be filing a formal complaint with the city attorney general. under new york laws, the landowner has to give the tenant his/her deposit back with a "reasonable amount of time". why must i resort to this? why can't they just do what's fair? is that too much to ask? i hate people who can't just buckle down and do their job. argh. if anyone has any tips, please share.

new york public library

after sitting around, wondering how we were going to spend the day yesterday, r and i finally mustered up the energy and made our way to the giant library in mid-town, the humanities and social sciences library, upon r's suggestion. the building is something both of us have talked about exploring. we figured it's a historical building and would be kind of awesome to see the old architecture. little did we realize the grandeur extends beyond the opulent entrance lobby.

we saw a little exhibit on graphic modernism, a style that r is really into. i loved the stripped down form of the genre. we, then, stumbled upon what i'm guessing is their A/V section that must've been the newest part of the building, glass being the mostly used construction material. we proceeded to wander into a room where they've photocopied all the cards from the catalog. there were enough of these books to line the four walls of a huge room. the volume was mindboggling. the ceilings of all the rooms we saw were decorous, with paintings and beautiful moldings. even the railing along the staircase was sculpted with intricate designs. there is such attention to detail in the construction of the building that we were completely impressed and wished we would still build edifices like this. the other wonderful aspect of the place was that it was quiet, ultimately being a library, an escape from the city in the heart of the city.

having to hurry back to catch the ups driver, we have definitely put the library on the list to revisit. it was a breathtaking experience.

thanksgiving philly style

i spent thanksgiving in philadelphia with b&d this year. i took the bus up on wednesday and came back to nyc just yesterday. we went over to d's friends' house. the center piece was the turducken, which turned out to be phenomenal. the fact that the birds were all pretty much deboned made it easy to serve. carving was not necessary. we just cut it into slices. the 10-pound turducken was accompanied by decadent gravy, tasty cranberry sauce, infallible apple-sausage-cranberry stuffing, scrumptious mac and cheese (i didn't try this since i don't like dairy, but i would totally have scarfed it otherwise), sweet butternut squash, savory mashed potatoes, and garlicky collards.

after only one plateful, i had to take a break. while vegging in front of the television, i managed to make two more trips back to the delicious smorgasborg. after we watched the dallas cowboys slaughter the new york jets, we played apples to apples. it's sort of a word game where you match nouns to adjectives. like "hopeless" to "republican" or "ludicrous" to "tom cruise". during the game, we dug into an awesome pumpkin pie and a sugary cherry pie.

i have to admit, as much labor that goes into cooking such a grand meal, the result is definitely worth the hard work. i miss leftovers, not wanting to travel with tubs of food on the bus. luckily, there's still pumpkin pie in my fridge, from our trial run of the pie...not that it'll last much longer in there!

love in old age

today, i read this article on nytimes.com about love in old age. it referred to former justice sandra day o'connor, that she is happy for her husband, who has alzheimer's, having a new lover. it goes on to say that as we age, our definition of love changes. when we're young, it's all about ME being happy, and we tend to respond to negatives, like our partner having a new lover is hurtful to ME. as we age, however, the focus of love changes to the other person being happy, and our responses begin to shift to the positives, like our partner having a new loves makes he/she happy.

it reminds me of losing a sense of myself when i'm deeply engrossed in a project, particularly writing when i used to write. there were moments when it's all about the story, the writing, as if it has consumed so much of my mind that there was no room for even me. being so deeply in love seems to be similar to this, that our heart and mind are so consumed by this other person and his/her well-being that we don't think of ourselves. my heart is still vulnerable enough to be broken, if not shattered. but if it does happen, i feel i can move on past the pain and try to focus on the new opportunities that might be open once life moves me in a different direction. hopefully, i will not have to reach that point, and right now, i have a feeling that it won't reach that point. otherwise, if i do, indeed, have doubts, i should move on now.

screenwriters

last night was the last new episode of the office that will air until the screenwriter's strike ends. not that i've been watching the show religiously, but when i have time on thursday evenings, i look forward to it. it's one of the few shows on television that i make the effort to see. if i had tivo, it would be programmed, along with the daily show with jon stewart, the stephen colbert report, and project runway. now that i've listed the shows i watched, i just realized that 3 out of 4 of them rely on writers. i'm a supporter of the writers since i have friends who write, and i wrote in college. i feel doomed, with only one show to remind me what day of the week it is. dear studios, please concede to the small, justifiable request the writers are making and give them the additional booger-size piece of the profit that you're making on their work.

p.s. i'm not sure who to root for yet on project runway this season. i really liked rami's and victorya's pieces though. christian is going to be the pest of the show, like marcel to top chef, being the youngest but also the most stuck up. i don't doubt his talent but don't like the lack of humility and respect for his fellow contestants. definitely the bitch-queen of the season.

money on a subway

today, i saw a woman who gave two street/subway musicians, one guy playing guitar and the other playing a small accordion, a $10 bill on the subway. i've never seen anyone give that much money to street musicians. i was totally impressed. the only time i've ever seen anyone who gave that much to street musicians was in new orleans.

my friend wanted to give a guy playing the trumpet a dollar. she only had a ten on her so i gave her one of my ones. as we walked past the trumpet player, she nonchalantly pulled out a bill and dropped it in the trumpet case. about five steps past the guy, she got a hunch that she might've dropped the ten dollar bill instead of the one. she checked her pocket, and sure enough, she still had the one but not the ten. she appreciated the music, however, and decided to leave it. also, she felt too embarrassed about retrieving it.

that was only an accident of generosity. this woman on the R-train intentionally gave the ten to the guy. she asked that he split it with his accordion playing partner. i don't think i'd ever give that much to any street artist, but i'm glad someone, like this woman, does.

time warner SUCKS

i'm pretty much over my fury from this morning, but i feel it's my civic duty to inform whoever is interested that time warner SUCKS. i try to give big companies the benefit of a doubt because they sometimes do employ real individuals who are probably decent people just working to make a living.

so when we moved into our current apartment in brooklyn at the end of august, we had so many problems getting service. first, the person helping us screwed up on the paperwork, and our account was never set up. we're jaded enough to not be surprised so my sister went in and got it straightened out. they even gave us 1/2 off on our first two months of service. yay. but then, the technician who was supposed to install the service was provided with the wrong apartment number. no one called to verify the information once they realized it was wrong. my poor sister waited all day (they always give you a 4 hour window which really translates to a 12-hour windown) in vain. so to make up for this mistake, they told us, over the phone, that we would get the third month free. finally, our service was set up about 3 weeks after our initial attempt.

so think about it. we're asking them to help us give them business, to give them money, to help them increase their stock value. we could've gotten the same type of service elsewhere, like through verizon with their direct tv service and dsl. but we stuck with time warner.

we did receive the 1/2 off for our first two months - september and october. but we've recently received our november bill, and we're charged for the full price. so i called time warner about 3-4 times between last week and today. they refuse to honor the deal they offered us for a third month free. they only offered because they screwed up. not only will they not honor it but the jerk i was given to deal with today kept talking over me, infuriating me to the point of accidently dropping the f-bomb once. the jerk then got defensive about my use of language, and i had to just hang up on him. the lady i talked to last week was at least patient and nice, listening to the issues regarding our account.

so when we move again, which i know we will at the end of our lease, i will find any necessary means to avoid using time warner again. with netflix, i don't need cable tv.

baltimore

last weekend, i visited friends in baltimore. it was a really nice getaway from new york, more so than boston. i like boston, but there's something about baltimore that i really admire. maybe it's still a relatively blue-collar, middle-class city. my new favorite museum is the american visionary art museum. i even flirted with the idea of moving to baltimore to justify purchasing a membership.

their main exhibit was "all faiths beautiful." along the staircases between each floor, postcards from frank warren's postsecrets were framed and posted on the walls. these postcards specifically involved people's secrets about faith. some of them were pretty general (i found god, now i'm saved. i lost my faith and am hiding it from my family and friends.); some were pretty profound. there was one memorable card regarding a military personnel (navy?) who is a liberal atheist who felt compelled to lie about his political and religious stance to gain respect among his peers and to appear as a candidate for promotions among his superiors.

there was a room devoted to the female as the origin of life that permeates in many religious beliefs as well. i admit that i've gotten to a point in my life where i don't feel the angst i once did in my younger years towards the societal oppression of women. i think it was just a matter of realizing being angry doesn't change anything. really, i need to work hard to prove my capabilities, even if it means i have to work extra hard to do so. some things in life aren't fair, but it must go on. so it was actually refreshing to see artwork that promoted feminism so vocally.

i also really liked and appreciated an exhibit that focused on artworks created by people with mental disabilities. art, being a medium with so little constraint and so open to new ideas and ways of communication, offered a voice to some of these people who aren't able to express themselves in conventional ways. also, it's a way for them to create something beautiful that other people can admire, giving them a sense of gratification that they might not feel often in their lives.

within all the exhibits, the museum promoted a sense of community among baltimore artists by selecting many of the artworks from local artists. baltimore, being sort of the underdog among east coast cities, is trying to rebuild itself to come out of that status, and art is an important element to any community trying to elevate itself, allowing expressions of progression and vision. besides the obvious attraction of my dear friends and their loving cats, i hope to visit baltimore again very soon.

juveniles

i just read this article today on nytimes.com and am once again astounded to learn exactly how cruel the u.s. justice system. i can't believe that we have a president who claims "compassion" endlessly for everything he does, and yet, we are the only country in the u.n. who voted to uphold life imprisonment without the possibility of parole for juveniles. what kind of compassion doesn't give KIDS a second chance?

for a child to commit a heinous crime, there must've been some sort of psychological damage to him/her to begin with. doesn't that justify a chance for redemption? what about rehabilitation and therapy instead of locking them up behind cement walls? what good does that do? it's like tossing out a pair of socks that got messed up in the wash. but these are kids. if they have the proper care and education, i'm sure most of them would grow up to be fine, law-abiding adults. it's a sad world we live in that the most powerful country in the world would deny children who've made mistakes a second chance. isn't making mistakes a part of learning, part of growing up?

boston

i'm visiting high school friends in boston for a few days. one of them lives in pittsburg and is in boston for the weekend, and i haven't seen her in years. it's odd to be able to say that, to think of spans of time in years, that i've lived long enough to think of time in greater increments than just seasons, a sign that i'm definitely growing older. the other two friends, a married couple about to expect their first child, live in boston, and i had visited them not too long ago.

the two girls lived on my hall during my senior year of high school. the one i've kept in frequent touch with has changed quite a bit since her high school days of jeans and sweatshirts; she's now an attorney at a major law firm in boston. she dresses the part of a grown up. she's still old self in many ways, however. the friend who's visiting from pittsburg hasn't changed much. different hair style but pretty much everything about her is the same: demeanor, attire, way she carries herself. i'm sure there are other changes that i've missed or didn't get to see since we did only spend a mere 48 hours together. i guess it's odd how people remain the same and change over the course of time. some things stay the same, other things evolve. it's also interesting to see how life has taken us on very different paths since our point of juncture in high school, both in our professional and personal lives. i guess seeing how friends evolve is a part of growing up and a part of friendships.

catharsis

i started on a nightmare project about 6 weeks ago and was recently dismissed from it. i believe it was a wrongful termination, an opinion being supported by many of my former co-workers, and have informed my union regarding this matter. i just want to work with people i can learn from again, like the people i worked with in los angeles. i'm tired of learning from counter-examples. i can't believe that my bosses are getting worse and worse, in terms of competency and decency. after my last boss, i didn't think anyone could be worse. i was wrong.

i thought it would be awkward to go into the office this past monday to clean out my desk. but it actually felt cathartic, to toss out all my paperwork and packing up MY belongings. going around to say bye to people i liked on the show was sad but also nice - to feel sad confirmed that real friendships had formed, which is always a wonderful thing. everyone was so supportive of me, undoubtedly believing that i shouldn't have been fired. some even expressed jealousy that i was getting to leave this hellish project. i mustered the courage to say bye even to my boss who fired me. i kept it short but courteous, "i'm taking off. good luck with the rest of the show." that person briskly replied, "all right, bye." she didn't even look up from her computer to make eye contact. at that point, i knew it was their loss to have me go, not mine.

it's nice to be back in new york though. my first day back, being on the subway slightly felt like home, like i'm returning to reality. and the best things about that project, the people who kept me going, they are still in my life. what's ironic is that a disaster occurred on the project just this morning. there is bad karma that surrounds this thing, and i'm relieved to no longer be a part of it. had i been dismissed because i was solely at fault, i would accept it and let it go. since that was not the case, i'm sitting back and watching it fall apart, while wagging a finger at them to say, what goes around, comes around. thank goodness for unions.

life sucks when weekends suck

this past weekend has been one of the more awful ones by far. late friday, i learned that i had to stay in stratford, ct on saturday because my boss wanted us to be "around," in case something happened. technically, my deal includes me working a 6th day even though i was told that i wouldn't really be working that many saturdays when i signed onto this project. whatever, i'm a team player. so after a miserable friday, when i felt i wasn't able to help people as i ought to, partly because the person handling a lot of the issues left town early, saturday was doomed. i ended up working 11 hours on saturday. but i thought i could look forward to sunday.

i returned to new york saturday evening. the plan for sunday was to clean out the old apartment and hand back the keys and be forever done with the place. then, i was going to have dinner with someone who's begun to remind me what it's like to be happy, before having to head back to connecticut the following morning. but the person i was supposed to meet for dinner...well, kind of disappeared. no replies to messages i left and never called me as sunday night drew later and later. i was frustrated at first but then started to worry that something bad might have happened. it's atypical for this person to not return my calls or to not pick up when i call. i had already spent the previous 2 days worked to the max and being yelled at simply because i was the messenger, and then i got stood up. and then i worried so much that i could barely sleep last night. what a way to start the week.

i'm just really grateful that my sister and her fiance were wonderful with the move and also taking me to a white castle that they've discovered merely 3 blocks away from our new brooklyn home. sharing white castle with two of the most awesome people was the highlight of the weekend. it's the reason i've made it through the weekend and found the courage to face today, being monday. one day down, four more to go...i hope only four...

moving

we're getting ready to move to brooklyn in about two weeks, and i'm not motivated to pack at all. i was so good about it for my last move from los angeles to new york though. i don't understand what the hold up is. maybe the summer heat? maybe there's no solid date as to when we're moving? because it's a much shorter move? i have to get crackin'.

hogwarts ~ ncssm

the latin teacher at my former high school contributed an article to the raleigh news & observer, comparing hogwarts to my high school, north carolina school of science & mathematics. (i had already graduated by the time this teacher started at the school.) i'm currently reading book 7, the deathly hallows, and have repeatedly brought up this comparison as well while talking to one of my best friends whom i had met at ncssm. besides the fact that the harry potter books are a wonderful read in and of themselves, one of the reasons that i love the books so much is the similarity that i see in harry's experience at hogwarts with my experience at ncssm, as the article describes. i rarely reread books, and the harry potter series is one of the exceptions.

the other connections i share with harry has nothing to do with school. one is more of a trivia while the other is one that pains me to think about. i should get back to finishing the deathly hallows so i can discuss it with friends.

rat zapper & apt hunting

when we woke up yesterday morning, we noticed the red light flashing on the rat zapper. i couldn't remember what it meant. my sister's fiance peered into it and saw a little mouse dead in it. this was our first new york kill. i'd prefer the zapper to never kill any other mice/rats simply because i don't even want them here in the first place. but if they are here, i'm glad the zapper has our backs.

after the excitement of the killing, we began our apartment hunting. we saw 2 places: both were supposed to be 2 bedroom apartments. the ad on craigslist for the first place was a total lie. not only was it not a 2 bedroom, but there were no bedrooms. it's just the basement of a building with no rooms. there were 2 bathrooms with shower stalls. there were, however, no delineation between the shower stall and the rest of the bathroom. there were no shower curtain rods. also, all the walls and flooring were covered in shiny, black granite tiles. my sister deemed it a porn studio. all it needed was a disco ball and some cameras, and the party is on. it would explain the missing shower curtain rods though.

the second place was in the really nice neighborhood of brooklyn heights where there are rumors that trader joe's has bought a space nearby. the apartment itself, however, was just a little small. there was basically no living room. the apartment had a small bathroom with only a toilet and a sink, two bedrooms, and a kitchen that also contained the bathtub.

we will be looking at a supposedly 3 bedroom today. i hope it's at least normal.

creepy guys again

as i was on the escalator, exiting a grocery store today, the guy standing behind me tried to give me his business card. he said that he noticed me while waiting in line and thought i was really beautiful. he kept STARING at me while he talked. i shook my head at his offer. he asked me if i was married. i told him no, i'm not interested, and refused his card. thankfully, there were lots of people around. i got a little apprehensive that he would start following me. he just gave off that creepy vibe.

what am i doing that's attracting these crazies? and then the ones i want to attract don't respond. argh.

a battle

last night, i went to bed tired and felt so sure that it was the night to break the recent streak of insomnia. it's been going for about a week now. as i was lying in bed, my eyes closed, my breath steady, i felt myself drifting away. or more accurately, my consciousness drifting away. just at the brink of entering my subconscious, however, i encountered a wall of some sort. it felt like a film or a membrane that would cave in when i pressed upon it, but it remained unbreakable. i could not push through it. when it rejected me, my conscious came to me fully. i attempted to fall asleep again, and the same wall appeared. it simply refused to let me through into my subconsciousness. so i spent the rest of the night, lying as still as i could with my eyes closed and my breath steady. i was in at least a semi-conscious state for the rest of the night.

i feel that there's a battle between my conscious or subsconscious, or if such a thing is even possible. i don't think i'm going crazy. i wonder if having read the wind-up bird chronicle recently has anything to do with what's happening. i'm tired during the day, and with the exception of yesterday, i would not allow myself to take naps, an attempt to keep myself exhausted in hopes of being able to sleep that night. also, i am tired when i'm in my bed, in the darkness. i just can't fall asleep. now, it's at a point where i don't even have thoughts racing through my head. some thoughts drift in and out, but their pace would not normally keep me from falling asleep. i took a nap yesterday, and i didn't encounter this wall. i wonder, however, if i was able to fall sleep because i intended for it to be only a nap, that i wouldn't stay in my subconscious long even if i were able to access it. i want to know what's brewing in my subconscious, and i will break through that wall sooner or later.

more insomnia

i had insomnia again last night, but it was a little different than the previous nights. i didn't actually get out of bed out of frustration and watched tv to put myself to sleep. i just stayed in bed with my eyes closed with good thoughts from a really great day running through my head, not bad thoughts for a change. it was more like when you can't sleep when you're excited about something. i still prefer sleep though which i hope will take over tonight.

harry potter and the order of the phoenix

my friend and i saw the movie yesterday. it's difficult to judge it on its own since i've read the book and am actually in the process of rereading it (and the half-blood prince) to prepare myself for the deathly hallows. i recently rewatched the globlet of fire and prisoner of azkaban and realized that i had probably criticized those two films too much. i will have to watch the order of the phoenix again when it comes out on dvd to allow enough time between reading the book and rewatching the film.

the changes i noticed in the film made sense. i appreciated the quickened pacing of the opening, from the playground to the order taking harry to 12 grimmauld place. the film portrayed the drought much more vividly than my imagination did from reading. despite the drought, there were a lot of plants mentioned in the book. but in the movie, the yellowed grass in the playground created a sense of desperation lurking in the air. even the rain offered no relief. instead it brought more danger, the dementors, as if any sense of balance that had existed in the world has dissipated.

as the credits were rolling, i realized that quidditch did not even get mentioned once in the film. the sport has always been a huge part of harry, a natural skill that earned him respect among his peers and also a link between him and his father. but now that i'm rereading the book, i see that quidditch actually played a more important character developing role for ron than harry in this installment. if it had been a movie about ron, i would've been upset about the omission. this is a movie about harry, however, so i am okay with it.

maybe i'll have more qualms after i've finished the rereading, but overall, i highly enjoyed the film.

insomnia

i've had insomnia for 2 nights in a row. i've never had insomnia for more than one night at a time. when i look at my reflection, i can see the darkness that's developed around my eyes. they look bruised. i purposely didn't take naps yesterday, and i'm not letting myself sleep until a normal bedtime rolls around. i will beat it.

reading in public

i sat next to a woman on the subway today who was reading a book titled, "how to control your man." i caught the first 2 sentences of the introduction entitled, "how i qualify to write this book": "i am a man, and it takes a man to know how to control one." (i'm only paraphrasing.) not that i would ever read a book like that. okay, maybe for amusement. even so, i wouldn't be reading it in public. i guess this is just going to show how judgemental i am, but why would someone be interested in wanting to control their man? the reader must have just gone over the brink of 40 and was wearing a mask of make-up. i couldn't see if she had a wedding ring.

maybe i'm naive, but i don't want a man that i would want to or have to control. i actually can't stand couples where you know the guy is completely whipped. maybe some guys prefer to be whipped? it just comes across as an unbalanced relationship. if i was with a guy who would appease to my every whim, i know i would clobber him. certain people bring out a sadistic tendency in me to push them to their limits. it's probably a mere reflection of my own insecurities, but i can't help myself.

fennel toothpaste

i grabbed a tube of fennel toothpaste on the fly not long ago, and i am not quite sure if i like it. i LOVE fresh fennel. i discovered fennel at a july 4th party last year, and after a few bites, completely fell in love with it. the hint of licorice is so refreshing in the summer heat, and i never liked licorice before.

i think the toothpaste is a little too sweet, and i miss the minty-fresh feel. maybe i just need to get used to it.

home?

i returned to new york today, and it doesn't feel like home, even though it technically is. it's what's on my driver's license and where all my mail is delivered. but having "lived" here for only six months, including a miserable winter that resulted in wind burns streaked across my face and then leaving for shreveport, louisiana for three and a half months, new york doesn't feel like home.

it might not help that i'm leaving for another four months in less than two weeks from today either.

okay. instead of dwelling on new york's status as "home", i'm going to catch up on my visit with my mom in jacksonville, north carolina. luckily, she had the first week of july off from work so we were able to travel a little. our first trip was to emerald isle. we normally go to hammocks beach in swansboro but figured we should go to another one, just to see. emerald isle is still really nice, just not as nice as hammocks beach, which i'll get to later.

on july 4th, we traveled to new bern and stumbled upon a free day at tryon palace, the only day of the year when it opens its grounds to the public for free. i don't remember having been there on any school field trips although my sister had gone multiple times during her days in the north carolina public school system. my mom definitely had never been there before. we didn't go on any tours but just walked around the gardens, which were beautifully kept. afterwards, we went to the mall.

later in the week, we made a day trip to wilmington to have lunch with a friend of mine. as we walked from the parking garage to the restaurant, i think we passed by julia stiles. anyway, my mom had thai food for the first time. i think she liked it but not love it like i do. it was nice to see my friend and to finally meet his girlfriend, whom he had talked about a lot. after a stroll along the boardwalk, we went to the mall.

i'm breaking here to express how much shopping irritates me. unless there's something i'm looking for specifically, i don't like to shop. maybe it's a point in my life that i've reached where shopping is no longer an appealing activity. also, knowing that we were making a trip to chapel hill later in the week where we could stop by the southpoint mall, a much bigger mall than the ones in new bern and wilmington and includes an outdoor section, i really didn't want to go to the two smaller malls.

so yes, we went to chapel hill for my friend's harry potter party, which was a lot of fun. she and her husband made brunswick stew and yorkshire pudding. yorkshire pudding is new to both my mom and me. my mom loved it. i liked it but not love it like she did. we watched two of the harry potter movies and went on an elaborate and creatively set up treasure hunt. then, i was introduced to the wii. an ingenius product. my sister has already requested one for her graduation present but now i'm not so sure if i'll be able to hand it over to her when i'm able to find one.

we spent the night in chapel hill and then drove to hammocks beach the next day. i don't think i can ever find another beach i love more than this place. it's kind of a pain to get to which weeds out a lot of people. you have to take a ferry and then walk about 1/2 mile to cross bear island to arrive at the beach. also, as a state park with a huge emphasis on preserving the ecology of the island, it's kept extremely clean. no alcohol is allowed either. whereas you can find little mounts of cigarette butts at emerald isle, there are little clumps of seaweed that have washed ashore, sprinkled along hammocks beach. the waves were so great that afternoon that i wished i had a surfboard instead of my little boogie board, with which i still managed to catch quite a few waves.

the visit with mom wouldn't have been complete had we not been able to go there. while talking with the ferry captain on the way back to the mainland, we realized that we've been going to this beach for 14 years. our first visit occurred while i was still in middle school, and we've gone pretty much every year since then. i only hope we can still go every year from now on. summer would not feel like summer without a trip there.

good-bye shreveport

this is my last day in shreveport, louisiana. i'll be leaving early in the morning. a lot of my out-of-town co-workers weren't very fond of this town. i'll admit that i don't think i want to grow roots here, but it's not that awful.

okay. the foul stench that permeates the air on some mornings is pretty hard to bear. a downtown full of casinos is kind of sad. fields are turning into parking lots by the minute, typical characteristic of any growing cities nowadays.

but there are some bright spots. the newest hotel being built, the hilton, is going to be the first major hotel in the city that doesn't have a casino. also, i've recently discovered the robinson film center that is in the works to expand. dallas and fort worth is only 3 hours away, a manageable day trip, for my art museum cravings. there's my staple breakfast joint, straun's, as well, breakfast being my favorite meal of the day.

i don't think i'll miss this place necessarily, but i'm not bolting out of here. i am eager to visit my mom and then head back to new york. i wonder how i'll readjust to new york, being so compacted and never silent. i really enjoyed hearing birds in the mornings and crickets at night here. also, i'll really miss straun's. i have yet to find a favorite breakfast place in new york. i guess i'll have to work on that when i get back.

fort worth

i made a trip to fort worth on saturday. most of the day was spent at the kimball art museum and the modern art museum, the two buildings being right across the street from one another. the kimball had an exhibit of portraits over the course of the 20th century. what caught my attention the most was the relationship between money and expression. a good portion of the portraits consisted of the artists' patrons or their families. it's the irony of artists who we generally think of as poor, the poor starving artist, but they have ties to the wealthy. in fact, their lifelihood and the sustaining power of their works are dependent upon the upper class. something to think about.

at the modern art museum, i saw an exhibit called "pretty baby," artworks the dealt with childhood. i didn't realize that yoshitomo nara's work would be part of the exhibit although it was an obvious inclusion. i have only seen one of his works in person: a fiberglass sculpture of a black dog at lacma. at this exhibit, i saw several of nara's paintings, one sculpture piece, and 2 drawings. i was excited to see a piece that was relatively new: the thinker, a little girl with chestnut brown hair and short bangs, wearing an orangey shirt with splotches across the collar, her eyes closed with 5 eyelashes on each eye lid. she was so cute. an artist that i wasn't familiar with whose work jumped out at me was makiko kudo. her paintings also focus on girls but just on the brink of adolescence. one memorable piece consists of two girls in their school uniforms, painted in magenta pink, lying in a green field, sharing their contemplations about life, surrounded by penguins. kudo's works are at once surreal in their situations and concrete in their emotions.

the ron mueck exhibit that i saw in brooklyn has made its way to fort worth. it was so much nicer to see it in fort worth; i didn't have to elbow through throngs of patrons to catch a 2-second glimpse of his work. his sculptures are amazing. they are so lifelike except for their size - either too big or too small - and they're frozen in a moment that entices you to not only look at them but to actually watch them, as if in anticipation that they're going to do something.

overall, the museums were small, and their permanent collections were not exactly outstanding. the architecture, however, was pretty impressive. both had wall fountains that calmed the surrounds and gave off a sense of coolness in the texan heat. the restaurant at the modern art museum has a great view of a manmade pond that hugs the glass section of the building. the interior, however, was not as well designed. i was confused as to how i was supposed to go through the exhibits. some spaces seemed to have been created to display pieces because there was just space. some of the displays didn't even have anything to do with exhibit that occupied that section of the floor.

after the museums, i drove around the town, through downtown and the stockyards. i stopped in dallas at oishii, a sushi/vietnamese restaurant, for dinner before making my way back to shreveport. it was a fulfilling day of good art and good food.

missing birds

this nytimes article about birds disappearing almost made me cry. it makes me sad every time i learn something that affirms what i told my math teacher in the 8th grade: the purpose of human beings is to destroy the planet.

just because we're finding ways to live a sustainable life doesn't mean that we aren't continuing to hurt the biodiversity that exists on this planet. yes, for one species to survive, other species must be injured or even killed. everything we eat comes from a living thing, animal or plant. but even when buildings are designed to use dramatically less electricity and built with "eco-friendly" materials, we can't forget that we're still taking over another species living space. the planet is only so big, ocean and land, and we're taking over more and more of it.

hong kong plowed hills flat and dumped the earth into the ocean to create more land, a practice called land reclamation. residential skyscrapers are built on these pieces of land. i doubt that hong kong is the only place that creates land in this manner. not only did we destroy a piece of land that was inhabited by other living creatures, but we also took over a piece of the ocean. maybe i'm being too dramatic in saying that it's a tiny baby step in our take-over of the ocean.

also, new houses built in this country are getting bigger and bigger. all those hollywood stars who bought priuses in the rush to the newest fad--to be environmentally conscious--live in giant houses that take over a huge plot of land and use an immense amount of materials for its infrastructure. oh, and the furniture. i wonder if the same prius drivers also own furniture made from exotic materials ripped from the rain forests.

yes, doing one thing is a start, but it's more of a matter of adjusting your entire lifestyle to cause the least amount of damage to the rest of the species on this planet. we need it for our own survival. what will we eat if we kill off and force out the rest of the living organisms?

creepy guys

i'm the only person left on my end of the office, and anyone who enters and exits the suite has to walk past me. a guy came in today, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. i said hello, and instead of introducing himself as one should when entering someone else's space, he took a look at me and said, "you're cute." no "hello." just "you're cute."

after a couple of questions, i found out that he merely wanted to know what information he could use as a reference to look for a new job. i work in an industry where pretty much everyone freelances so you're always looking for the next gig. the parent company dissolves the subsidiary companies which we work for once the project is completed, probably for liability reasons. what he wanted to know was totally legitimate, especially for someone who has never worked in this field. i was just surprised by the first thing that came out of his mouth.

i don't think he meant to be creepy, but i wonder if he realized how creepy he came across. i wonder if i'm only reacting this way because i've been living in pretty urban places. would a southern country girl have also taken his comment as creepy or just as a compliment? also, are guys really that dense that they don't know they might seem creepy in situations such as this? after all, today's incident took place in an office. at the very least, what he said was not professional. good luck to him getting his next job.

drag show

last night, i went to my first drag show. it was fun but a little disappointing. i expected it to be more talent-based. the show we went to featured each of the drag queen lip-syncing to a song, some contemporary, some classic. some of the audience, mostly drunk, went to the stage to tip each drag queen; it cheapened the show. i'd much prefer a place where they would charge an entry fee and the drag queens actually sang. one of the drag queens stood out as an exceptional lip-syncer. not only did she stick to her performance when she accepted tips and mouthed 'thank you' to each of the tippers (there were some who kind of let their performance lag when they took tips), she had the best make-up and costumes.

nonetheless, i was impressed with all the dancing that was attempted on 4-inch heels. needless to say, i was shamed that as an actual woman, i wouldn't even be able to walk in a straight line wearing the shoes they wore.

so the next drag show i attend must have real singing in addition to the dancing on super-high heels.

summer is back on!

maybe not the whole season, but as of now, i have a week of it. i had a flight to fly back to new york tomorrow at seven AM. at around two o'clock this afternoon, i got a call that the ct gig has been pushed. my start date wouldn't be until july 9. so i'm staying in shreveport to properly finish my current job, as originally planned. at the end of the month, i'll fly to visit my mom in north carolina. i'll be able to spend that whole first week of july with her.

if only this had been the original plan, it would have worked out perfectly and much less stress rearranging travel. i'm exhausted from re-pulling everything back to its original shape. thank goodness i have the beach to look forward to.

missing summer

having taken on another job immediately following this one, summer will escape me. i'm leaving shreveport, lousiana this weekend and heading up to stratford, connecticut for the next gig. before the ct job came about, i had planned to visit my mom in north carolina for the first week of july. she has the entire week off from work, and it would've been nice to be able to take her to our beloved hammock beach in swansboro for a day. the rest of the week would consist of doing not very much, the way a vacation should be.

now, i'll be working through the summer. as the temperature is creeping higher and higher every year, though, maybe i'm lucky to have missed the hottest season of the year. if the trend sticks, i'll be able to hit the beach when the job ends in september. the water will still be warm. it might be even not as riping hot. gotta take those jobs when i can though. work now, play later.

caffeine 2

the rain stopped. i ran out to a non-starbucks nearby and got a shot of expresso. my brain stopped aching within 10 minutes. i wonder if the caffeine coursed through my body that quickly or if it's all in my mind. but does it really matter if it's physical or psychological? the effect - agony to be followed by relief - is the same. maybe it's both. the ease in which i fall into an addiction is why i don't smoke or do drugs - a caffeine addiction is much more affordable. i'm also grateful that i'm allergic to alcohol.

caffeine

it's storming this afternoon. i haven't left the apartment yet. i had forgotten about coffee and don't have an ounce of caffeine in any form here. i don't care for sodas and i don't drink tea often enough to justify purchasing some for a merely 2-3 month stay. a slight headache is taking hold of me. but i'm going to stay strong and wait until the rain subsides. or maybe i should just brave the storm.

pirates

i saw pirates of the caribbean: at world's end over the weekend. not as fun as the second pirates and definitely not as fun as the first. the pacing was a little dragged out. i almost fell asleep twice, although i was pretty exhausted walking into it. even so, it didn't exactly keep me awake.

problems were too easily resolved, but in its simplicity, it was still trying to be complicated. the writers seemed to have had more fun sticking in supposedly witty lines than giving the story a sense of fullness.

i was surprised to see chow yun-fat when he appeared onscreen. i had no idea he was a part of it. to me, it would be like seeing al pacino appear in kung-fu hustle 2. his character, captain sao feng, had very little depth. there was no explanation regarding his history with jack sparrow. the way his character dealt with women was repulsive, but i guess that's just what being a pirate is all about? if he's only supposed to play the character as a disgusting, selfish, piggish pirate, then his performance was great. it's just that out of all the captains in the congregation introduced in the story, his character played the largest role. i wished there was more to him. why bother having this character take on a role as big as it did if there's no depth to him? chow yun-fat's acting skills were so wasted in this movie. but sadly, if he wants to break into hollywood, he has to take these roles in dumb blockbusters for exposure.

also, i'm not sure about the history of singapore, but hong kong, where they're building the newest disney theme park, actually was a haven for pirates before the british gained sovereignty over the island. i wonder why captain sao feng's base was set in singapore as opposed to hong kong. chow yun fat is from hong kong as well. besides, wouldn't it be a plug for the theme park if they set that part of the story in hong kong instead of singapore? that confused me. at least they kept to cantonese as the sole dialect of chinese that surfaces in the movie.

as for the 4th installment, i won't be eager to see it.

creation museum. really.

i just read this article in the new york times about a creation museum that's about to open in petersburg, ky. i'm still in disbelief that it exists. that $27 million was spent on presenting ideas as facts even though there's no evidence to support them, ideas that are based merely on a text that commands blind faith. i don't hold scientific theories as truth. they're still just theories. i do try to keep an open mind that scientists have been wrong. i accept changes to these theories. but i need evidence, not blind faith, as the basis of believe about the past.

in a strange way, though, i am intrigued. they have worked dinosaurs onto noah's ark. you have to admit there's a lot of creative thinking going on to make everything seem to fit. but i don't think it's right to charge $19.95 admission price for an adult; it's an admission price, not a suggested admission price. for a christian-based institution, you'd think they'd be more charitable to the public. even the met is based on a suggested admission. what would jesus think about that?

new orleans

this weekend in new orleans was a great experience. it's such a distinctive and colorful city. i love the french colonial architecture with the intricate wrought iron works and the balconies that mask the fronts of buildings. it was unfortunate that i was only able to spend 24 hours there, minus the 10 hours of sleep and waiting on the rest of the party i was meeting.

we stayed at a hotel in the french quarters, which i would never do again. the french quarters is definitely a great part of town to visit. there are a lot of tourist amenities such as walking tours, horse carriages, and t-shirt stores. in a way, it's definitely set up as a tourist trap. the street artists, performers, and fortune tellers give the area more distinction, however. the part i didn't like about the area was the oversaturation of bars. at night, bourbon street is closed off as a pedestrian-only street. it's a party, which is what the city is known for. i'm not much of a partier, though, so walking around for about 1/2 hour was enough for me. i would rather stay in an area where enough foot traffic still occur but not drunken foot vomit-propelling traffic.

the group i met with were avoiding cajun and creole food for dinner, much to my disappointment. we ended up making reservations at an italian restaurant, ristorante carmelo. when we arrived, we were directed to wait at the bar while our table was being set up. the bartender was a grumpy old man who insisted that a mojito did not include lime. the girl who ordered it wanted to try the drink for the first time. i had to assure her that it tastes much better when it's made properly. already irritated, we were led to our table. we asked for balcony/outdoors seating, which we got. it was just in a dark corner of the balcony where we couldn't read the menu and could barely make out each others' faces around the table. we would've gladly waited for a table where we could see. also, we were so packed into the corner that we had to pass the drinks down the table because the waiter couldn't reach those at the far end. thankfully, the wait staff was much friendlier and more helpful than the bartender. also, the food was decent. it wasn't great italian, but it was fine. the bruschetta was definitely odd though. normally, the tomatoes and basil are chopped to make eating the dish easy. at this restaurant, the cherry tomatoes are cut in half and placed flat-side down on the garlic bread with a sprig of basil on top. yes, a sprig. like a garnish when it's supposed to be integral to the dish. also, one of the girls who ordered pizza had sprigs of rosemary tossed on with the rest of the toppings. when you can easily spend $70 per person, i expect the herbs to have gone through some sort of care and preparation. the rest of the entrees were fine. i just ordered the fettecine bolognese because i didn't want to spend much at a place that didn't seem to want to please our party. is this what restaurants do when you order mixed drinks instead of wine? i'd consider recommending the restaurant for take out but definitely not dine in.

sunday morning involved waiting for the girls to pack and check out. the plan was to stuff all their luggages in my car, park it somewhere, and drop them off at another hotel where they had booked reservations for a conference. after finally checking out and reparking the car, we search for breakfast. when we saw the line at cafe du monde, we crossed the street and grabbed real breakfast instead. afterwards, we looked for the trolley cars that run into the garden district. the cars, however, were not running their full course post-katrina. we headed back into the french quarters and grabbed some beignets, something my sister made me promise to have during this visit. it's basically a funnel cake shaped like a square donut. funnel cakes are something i always look forward to so the beignet was still satisfying.

after dropping off the party at their second hotel, i headed for the garden district. i didn't see much however. i don't think i went far enough into it. i stumbled upon the contemporary art center though and spent a very quiet 40 minutes there, admiring the black and white prints and other pieces on display by local high schoolers. there was also an exhibit by carlos estevez and another cuba artist whose name i can't recall. i loved estevez's drawings of these mechanical puppets that have dots where their joints would be, and the dots are connected in an intricate manner that eventually lead up to the unknown puppeteer off the canvas. each puppet has a red dot on their heads with a line that leads directly up to the puppeteer. he's also working on a project of casting bottles with a rolled up piece of drawing and writing into the ocean. i hope the next time i go to the beach, i'd find one of them.

overall, it was a good trip. i wish i had more time in the city and definitely more time with the one friend i drove 5 hours each way to see. she accompanied me on saturday afternoon to walk around the french quarters while the rest of the group took naps at the hotel. we were both determined to enjoy the city, not the hotel, while we were there. the best part of the walk was sneaking into the omni hotel, up to the 7th floor where they have a rooftop pool, a small bar, and a tiny observation deck. not that we cared for the pool or the bar but we loved the view. it was breathtaking to see the rooftops of all the buildings, new and old, in the quarters. i took the most pictures on this trip that afternoon. probably because i was happiest.

mother's day

i love my mom's philosophy that every day is your birthday, every day is mother's day. it's her way of letting herself and us off the hook in looking for a present in time, but it's also to say that being kind and thoughtful on one specific day is meaningless if you're unkind and unthoughtful the rest of the year.

so i phoned her today, just like on any other weekend. i wished her a happy mother's day, but we didn't dwell on it. the conversation steered right into the usual territories of what's happening with her job, house, things that she's read, basically her life. that's my mom. she keeps it real.

i've still got it

while still living in california, i used to go to "keeping time", a clock and watch store at the glendale galleria. the gentleman who fixes clocks and watches took a liking to me because i speak cantonese. he always gave me a discount for the service. it's like a reward for keeping my first language. mom was right for making us speak cantonese at home with her.

now that i've moved, i have to find a new place to change the battery. i figured a nice jewelry store at the mall should suffice. it's a nice watch so places like wal-mart and target won't touch it, probably because of liability. i expected to spend about $12-$15, which is pretty normal at fancy jewelry stores.

upon entering the mall, i walked up to the first one i saw. all the sales attendants were helping other people. after waiting about 3 minutes, i looked around the mall and spotted another jewelry store. i walked over and asked if they change watch batteries. the guy who helped me kindly took my watch and set to work. i waited patiently, looking at their stock. they carried nice pieces, but thankfully, nothing appealed to me. after about 10 minutes, the guy came back with my watch and said, "normally, i'm supposed to charge you for this, but don't worry about it." i gave him a confused look to which he responded, "get outta here," with a grin. i thanked him and left the mall. i love my watch.

abortions in china

there's an article in the new york times regarding the high abortion rate in china. the trend is fevered by the chinese one-child policy, a drift away from traditions as china has opened itself to the rest of the world, economically and culturally, and a general lack of sex education.

what's frightening is that while i believe a lot of american pro-choice advocates do not see abortion as a form of contraception (more of an issue of rights), in china, abortions are seen as just that. it's apparently not uncommon for women to have had more than one abortion; some have had as many as six. i wonder if these women realize that every time you go through an abortion, you decrease your chances of being able to conceive and maintain a pregnancy. it is not a naturally occurring procedure; therefore, it can prove detrimental to your health. obviously, if you don't want to have children ever, then knowing this will not deter you from future abortions. it could prove devastating, however, if you do want to bear children some where down the line.

i guess i've been taking it for granted that choosing abortion is a heavy decision for a woman. the idea of destroying what has potential to be your child is frightening. but i still believe that with the proper education, women should have the right to choose. and i think this is what is needed in china to stop these women from harming their bodies any further.

also, it's not just education for the women. men need to be educated just as much. some of these women claim that it's their lovers who do not want to use other forms of contraceptive. this attitude also contributes to the rise of AIDS infections and very likely other forms of STDs in china. if the chinese government has the power to impose such restrictions as a one-child policy, in addition to multiple forms of brutality upon its people, it certainly has the power to educate them. what are you going to reign over if your people destroy each other?

wrist watch

i think the battery in my watch is dying. the second hand ticks a little slow. it's actually a little past eleven o'clock, but the hands on the watch shows eighteen minutes till eleven. i know that all it needs is a new battery, but the idea of this watch dying is upsetting. i bought this watch over a decade ago with the money i saved from working at my uncle's restaurant. the sun and moon style was popular at the time, and i wanted one. i was in the eight grade at the time so it was a sensitive time in one's life, especially the need to feel normal and accepted. but i would look at this watch every day and knew i had to really like it for itself as well.

i looked at the watches at roses and wal-mart and didn't like any of them. then, i moved my way up to sears and jcpenny, but still, none of them appealed to me. there was just something about those sun and moon watches that didn't hit me right. maybe the way the sun and moon looked. the way the whole face of the watch looked. the font of the numbers. the hands being too plain or too decorative. it was my hard earned money, not money my mommy or daddy gave me. sure, it was just a watch, but this was going to be a gift to myself, my first nice gift to myself. i think i would've waited forever until i found one that felt right.

then, at belk, i saw it. i loved that it has a little hole that showed the date. the cutout for the sun and the moon was just the right size. the needles were simple but not flimsy looking. the numbers were in roman numerals, something i didn't even consider i would like. there is a slight sense of depth to it, with a large cutout just inside of the ring of numbers to reveal a different textured material that, then, had a cutout for the sun and the moon to pass through. i've always prefered analog watches over digital watches. analog watches translate time into space. the hands have that much more space to pass before a certain time. and the sun and moon remind me that the day is passing, not just the hours, minutes, seconds. there was just something so pleasant and right about it. it cost $55 plus tax at the time. back then, especially for an eighth grader, that's quite a bit of money. but i was fortunate enough to have the money at the time. everything about it, the watch itself, the circumstance, was just right. so i bought it.

i look at watches every now and then when i shop, but i can't imagine not wearing this watch while it still works. i've changed the straps a handful of times. the glass is scratched. the frame has lost much of its color. yet i wear it every day, for every occasion. it might not match anything else i'm wearing, but it matches me and reminds me of who i am.

roomba

i bought a roomba recently, the robotic vacuum cleaner. i've been thinking about getting one for my mom because she's getting old. the apartment i'm staying in shreveport is carpeted, to my dismay, although i had little room for options since i was confined to finding a place that offered a 3-month lease. i was going back and forth about buying a vacuum cleaner. it's just so wasteful since i only need it for a short period. i could ask around the office to see if i could borrow from someone, but it's a difficult task if you're kind of antisocial. (while waiting for people to see a comedy show, i saw a couple of coworkers. instead of saying hi, i immediately pulled my cell phone up to my face and thanked my friend for picking up the phone. my dear, dear friend stayed on the phone with me until the people i was meeting showed up.)

i began a small hunt for a cheap, small vacuum cleaner, and while wandering around best buy, i saw a roomba. a friend of mine, who's into the latest gadgets, raved about her roomba. it had already occurred to me that it's a perfect for my mom, if it's not difficult to use. so i checked out the irobot website and ordered the simplest version with only one button that says "clean". i figured my mom can handle that. if its performance is satisfactory during my stay in this carpeted place, then my mom can have it when i leave.

i've used it twice, and i now understand why my friend was so crazy about it. it's so cute, like some little creature who does a chore for you instead of tearing into your food supply and shitting all over the place. when you start it up, it does a little tune, "do do do do". it then proceeds to roam around the room, bumping into walls and furniture as it sucks up dirt and whatever else carpet hides. (i hate carpet because i feel like it hides the dirt and whatever gross stuff settles on the floor.) i became engrossed, watching it as it moves around seemingly randomly. it's like watching a baby stumble about, learning its way in the world. but its bumping around is how it learns the shape of the room and will know to go over the entire space at least once, doing a thorough cleaning. amazing what good technology can do. i still hate carpet though. (the roomba apparently also works on hard floors too...)

kung fu hustle

i rewatched kung fu hustle recently and was reminded of how great it is. it doesn't try to be sentimental. it manages to make physical comedy smart, something that has been lacking in hollywood comedies. all the characters are to some degrees caricatures. it's intriguing that the two female characters have opposite traits that has to do with their voices: the landlady's superpower is the volume of her voice; the lollipop girl is mute. i'm no longer smart enough to pinpoint the significance of this juxtaposition, but i know it adds to the story. somehow. if i were still in college, i could totally whip out a 20-page analysis of this movie.

besides the immense subtext that you can draw from this movie, what allows me to enjoy it so much is the element of surprise. with most movies nowadays, i can see the joke before it happens. but kung fu hustle is so unpredictable. who would've thought sing would use the knives in his shoulders as side rear view mirrors until he actually used them as such? the movie managed to be all over the place (a dance sequence, a live-action road runner sequence, martial arts, physical comedy, play on words, sexuality but not sex) but never lost its center, which very much adheres to the idea of kung fu and chi.

i've watched stephen chow since i was a kid, when he hosted a hong kong children's program, "430 space shuttle" (along with tony leung, another favorite actor; stephen and tony were in a sketch of good guy vs. bad guy - tony played the good guy and stephen played the bad guy). stephen went through a phase of crass comedy which had turned me off from his work for a while. now with kung fu hustle, he's definitely redefined himself as a comic genius.

roaches

i've been having roach problems at my shreveport apartment. instead of asking management to come for the third time to spray the place, i've broken down and bought roach motels. their previous efforts did not prove themselves to be effective. with the roach motels, i now come home to find not live roaches that i have to chase hesitantly with one flip-flop in hand and risk getting roach juice on the kitchen counter but dead roaches i just have to sweep up and dump in the trash. is it hypocritical to kill roaches but be anti-guns? i feel like the roach motels are kind of like guns in that they make killing much more convenient and cleaner. to kill someone without a gun, you probably have to bludgeon or stab them. without the roach motel, i have to kill the nasty roaches by the same method - squish them with a flip-flop or a wad of paper towels. roaches are just so gross though. if i am being hypocritical, just keep in mind that i am only human.

p.s. in a previous entry, i made the point that it's the people, not the guns, who are the problem. i am, however, anti-guns, someone who will never own one even for self-protection. seriously, i'd end up hurting myself before the attacker.

dallas revisited

this dallas trip was devoted to the museum of art in the downtown area. i must say, i was quite impressed with the matisse exhibit that the museum of art held in conjunction with the nasher sculpture museum/garden. i arrived just before noon and didn't leave the premises until 3:30p. starting from the portion at the museum of art, you were able to get a sense of matisse's mental and creative process as you were kind of guided through the exhibit, and it was really eye-opening to see his how he related painting to sculpting and vice versa. to him, the two mediums express his ideas in different ways; the limits of one method can be overcome by the other, obviously because one is 2-dimensional and the other is 3-dimensional. they are still intertwined, however. the way this exhibit is set up, you are able to see how matisse was able to take the creativity that came forth while sculpting and bring it into his paintings, qualities which take his paintings to another level.

after seeing the portion at the art museum, i crossed the street to the sculpture garden. there continued presentations of matisse's serial works such as "the backs", "madeleine", and busts of "jeanette". these series show matisse exploring abstraction as the figures progress becoming more abstract and more streamline in form. there was also a large display of "jazz", his book of paper cut outs. the method is so simple, something that kids do in elementary art classes. yet, his paper cut outs are vibrant in color and contain stimulating shapes and configurations. i'd have to say they're my favorite, combining a sense of innocence with exuberant creativity.

other works that interested me in the sculpture garden included jonathan borofsky's "walking to the sky", george segal's "rush hour", and naum gabo's "constructed head #2".

afterwards, as i was leaving the museum, i saw signs for the farmers market. it is a place i must revisit - i didn't arrive until the afternoon, and it seemed that most of the farmers had already left. there were a few stalls still in operation, and i managed to snag some snap peas, sweet cherry tomatoes, and limes. on one hand, it's so difficult to buy produce by the bucketful when you live by yourself. on the other hand, it prevented me from buying everything.

other destinations failed (a cd store i found online had actually closed forever, and a reebok listing turned out not to be a storefront but their business office), but it was still a good day. the thing that bugs me the most about dallas is the same thing that i don't like about la or probably any new big city: it takes at least 1/2 hour to drive to anywhere. i have to plan my trip before heading out the door or else i'll just spend the whole day driving. i was so exhausted by the time i returned to shreveport. thank goodness sundays are for sleeping in.

"curb" on abortion

warning that this blog contains kind of graphic descriptions of a medical procedure.

yesterday, the supreme court upheld the ban on late-term abortion. according to the washington post, the justices "approved an abortion restriction that did not contain an exception for the health of the woman. it does, however, provide an exception to save the woman's life." so the procedure will only be legal if a late-term abortion will save her life, not her health. it's fine that she is forced to live in poorer health post-partum, probably making motherhood much harder, and in effect, probably affecting the child, i would bet, not positively.

i agree that the procedure they're banning is horrific. intact dilation and evacuation (IDX) involves delivering the fetus in one piece and crushing the skull of the fetus to make the removal of it easier. yeah, if any decent woman knew the details of this procedure, i doubt she would agree to it. the reason that doctors would recommend this method of abortion is because it "carries a lower risk of bleeding, infections and permanent injury." the alternative is to remove the fetus in pieces (dilation and evacuation) which is still pretty frightening.

ginsburg said it right as to why i oppose this decision: "...the court deprives women of the right to make an autonomous choice...this way of thinking reflects ancient notions about women's place in the family and under the Constitution -- ideas that have long since been discredited." women should be educated in the matter, something that they deserve as a human being. this is why i don't understand bush's statement in response to the ruling: "the decision 'affirms that the Constitution does not stand in the way of the people's representatives enacting laws reflecting the compassion and humanity of america.'" what kind of compassion and humanity is involved in assuming that the woman and doctor, a medically trained professional whose job it is to save/improve lives, have no respect for the life of the fetus?

besides, exactly how many IDX are performed, say, each year? what is the rate of this procedure? is it that common that a LAW needs to be implemented? it sounds like something saved as a last resort. someone please educate me on the statistics of this procedure. if it really is a procedure that occurs all the time, then maybe i can see a validity to the law, as much as i may disagree with it. however, if it is a rarely performed procedure, then basically, yesterday's decision is a political move. it's the beginning of the conservatives making way to overturn roe v. wade.

in 2000, the supreme court overturned a nebraska law banning partial-birth abortions. the 5 justices who consisted of the majority were the same justices who dissented yesterday's decision, minus o'connor, which made them the minority with the more recent decision. i hope that i'm wrong to feel like we're the only first world country moving backwards in terms of human rights. it would turn my parents' efforts to immigrate to this country for the sake of my sister's and my lives futile.

virginia tech shooting

the shooting today at virginia tech sent chills to my core. what is happening in this world? it's not just about the guns; it's about the people. gun control can only do so much. there's something intrinsically festering in this culture/society that seems to push people beyond self-control, crossing a certain line of humanity.

my sister and i had a discussion about the incident. she told me about the posts on nytimes.com where people are focused on blaming the lack of gun control in this country. yes, i agree that it doesn't hurt to limit the types of guns available to the public - you don't need anything more than a simple handgun that holds 6 bullets at a time for defense (most people probably can't handle anything more complicated than a simple handgun) and/or a rifle for hunting. but this is such the typical american/western attitude to deal with a problem. as with medical care, the response is to cope with the symptoms instead of getting to the core of the problem and work on PREVENTION. yes, we have some of the most advanced medical care in the world in terms of surgery and treatments for illnesses, but the emphasis should placed on reevaluating our lifestyle that would enhance preventing these illnesses. to paraphrase my sister, the american/western way is "a bandaid to the rescue."

i wonder if we deal with symptoms instead of addressing the underlying issue because it's simply easier. it is what's apparent; half the work is already done. getting to the underlying issue involves finding it and then thinking of solutions to resolve it. i also wonder if capitalism has had a hand in encouraging/perpetuating this american/western attitude. it's more profitable to provide a solution to the symptoms of a problem and sustain the viability of problem than to solve the problem and gain no profit once the problem dissipates.

take u.s. health care again. american health care is one of the most expensive in the world, and the cost only keeps rising. technological advancement also keeps improving, justifying the rising cost. wouldn't it be cheaper, however, if we can focus on our diet and exercise that attribute to a lot of the diseases we develop in our lifetime? not that diet and exercise would solve all medical problems, but it would certainly help restrain the rising number of people who have cardiovascular disorders needing open-heart surgeries and children who develop type 2 diabetes before they hit puberty. i'm not even talking about special diets like atkins and south beach. just eat fresh food that involves as little chemical processing as possible. be more active and climb the stairs instead of relying on the elevator. simple, inexpensive acts that hit the core of the problem. and i'm not saying that we shouldn't continue progress on technology to treat illnesses; it just shouldn't be our main focus.

but maybe it's not such a bad thing to think in terms of profit. maybe it's thinking about profit in monetary terms that's the problem. what if we start thinking about profit in terms of our personal well-being? what good is money if it doesn't contribute to our physical and mental well-being?

going back to the shooting, instead of screaming at congress for more gun regulations, we should address the deeper issue at hand. this gunman is obviously trying to get attention, like the kids in columbine. alienation and desperation will push someone to cross the line to do something so inhumane.

my deepest sympathy to the families and loved ones affected by this tragedy.

sunday

the original plan was to venture to dallas again this weekend. since i couldn't make it to the arts district last week, this was supposed to be the chance. friday was a late day at work, however. we didn't leave the office until shortly after 1am, technically saturday. i also didn't want to drive back tired on sunday night only to have to wake up early to work the next morning. so this weekend has been devoted to nothingness in shreveport.

yesterday was pretty tame. i left the apartment to reclaim the strawberries i was going to take home from the office and to pick up some caffeine to wake up fully and some chicken to make congee for breakfast. i heated up leftovers for dinner and watched the maltese falcon. i didn’t like humphrey bogart’s character. not that he was set up to be any gentleman, but it’s still hard to like a movie/story when you don’t like the protagonist. i ended up the day by going to bed before 10pm, something i haven’t done since...i can’t remember when.

today was a little more interesting. i got my butt out of bed at around 10am and had breakfast at a little local restaurant nearby. they make breakfast the way breakfast should be made. the two kitchens are open; nothing is enclosed or hidden. you see the cartons of eggs piled on a shelf above the grill. that’s a sure sign for a good breakfast joint. the menu was simple, nothing fancy, just as breakfast should be. it’s a meal that jump starts your day. it’s too early of a meal to be anything more than simple and fulfilling. i ordered eggs with bacon, grits, and toast, having already missed the biscuits. of course, there was coffee. the tab was under $6. they apparently serve homemade chicken and dumplings on weekday evenings. i’ll be going back.

afterwards, i went back to the apartment, realizing that i had forgotten my camera. then, i headed for the r. w. norton art gallery, the one and only art museum in shreveport. tucked away in a neighborhood, the sight of the edifice laid upon a large piece of green land is quite impressive. it’s a beige brick structure that stretches out into two wings, with the main entrance dividing the building in half and brown windows lined with white patterned blocks almost giving the wings a joint at which to flap. the collection, however, was not as impressive. well, i guess it might be impressive if your interest lies in cowboy and indian art, but i don’t care much for it. it pains me to see the way native americans are depicted, knowing how much suffering their race had gone through. they are one of the most tortured, destroyed races in history. but i guess it’s in the spirit of the louisiana purchase and the idea of the exploring and conquering the frontier. i am in louisiana after all. there were a couple copies of rodin that held my interest. but the great fascination was the garden behind the museum itself.

i actually had arrived about 45 minutes before the museum opened. so i wondered the plot of land it’s on and found the garden in the back. along the way, i took some close-ups of tree trunks, wanting to capture the rough textures in the early afternoon light. at the garden, i took a couple of pictures of the pond. it was after checking out the art when i went back to the garden that i got really inspired. there were these girls, between the ages of 8 and 11, who were dressed in sequined cowgirl costumes. they seem to be part of a baton-twirling-dancing group. some were chubby and others were skinny. all little white girls with their matching white cowboy hats and boots, exuding a strong texan culture. later, i saw that they were gathering to have their photographs taken by a professional using the garden as a backdrop. when i reached at the garden again, families had shown up and were taking pictures of each other. without any hesitation and almost without thought, i took up my camera and started snapping pictures of people taking pictures of each other. that was the theme of this roll of film: taking family snapshots. not the snapshots themselves but the act of it. i’m anxious to see how the pictures turn out. it’s been a while since i’ve had a jolt of inspiration like that. yeah, today counts as a good day.

dallas

i made a day trip to dallas this past saturday. i expected to see tons of american flags on bumper stickers and rifles peeking from the back cab windows of pick-up trucks. luckily, i didn't see much of it.

dallas actually reminded me of los angeles. being a new city, sprawl rules the city. i saw some signs for some form of public transportation, "DART", deep in the city, but it doesn't seem like a realistic, viable option. freeways crisscross the landscape, lined by huge outdoors shopping centers housing typical semi-suburban businesses such as petco, gap, linens-n-things, super-target, etc. my agenda for the day was mainly shopping for things to make my empty apartment livable. ikea was the first destination, followed by a mall, and ending with whole foods (for cheap good sparkling water). mapquest took me through a residential area that looked like a neighborhood for dinks: small, cute, newly-renovated houses interspersed among older houses with about a 2-inch space separating them. lots of suvs and vws sat on the driveways and on the streets. it even occurred to me that i might like this neighborhood. it looked pretty hip, something i would've expected in austin but not dallas.

this coming weekend will be a real test. i'm planning on revisiting dallas but heading for the arts district. what the museum and galleries have in their collection will be a telling sign of where dallas stands politically and culturally.

hotels

it’s been a full week. and i think there’s another week ahead before i can leave the hotel. it’s not a bad place. it’s actually a little nicer than most places i’d be willing to pay myself. (the company is paying for my lodging.) but not having a kitchen is about to drive me nuts. also, i’ve begun to notice a faint odor of...well, the territorial markers of human beings. seriously, sitting on the small loveseat for a period longer than two seconds, my nose will detect a light whiff of something that reminds me human feces, like public restrooms that get used a lot. it sounds utterly disgusting, and i doubt that underneath the cushions lies a bed of feces. (just the idea of it has repelled me from confirming the possibility.) i have, however, stopped sitting on that couch. really, i think it’s just a matter of the room, having been exposed to so many different human beings. i’ve, at least, stopped being super-paranoid and started using the towels. but i can never feel comfortable here. maybe i’m just too territorial and know that this room will never become MY room.

since i’m going to be in shreveport for almost another three months, i’ve put down a deposit on an apartment. this apartment “community” was the only place i could find that offered a three-month lease. the unit they showed me was decent. i hate carpet, but it’s only three months. my co-workers all raised their eyebrows when i told them, “no, it’s unfurnished.” but see, furnished or not, it’s going to be MINE. i won’t have to worry about housekeepers coming in and touching my stuff. also, i’ll have access to a kitchen, and i’d much rather buy the kitchenware that i have chosen than put up with the crap that a furnished apartment might offer.

i haven’t decided on the bed situation yet. i can rent a bed, but i don’t like the idea of sleeping in beds strangers have slept in, even if the sheets are brand new. hotels are a little different in that i know that i won’t be staying there for a prolong period. the only reason that i haven’t run down the hall screaming like a nutcase is because i can see the end to my nights on this bed. besides, i’ve survived with a sleeping bag for 6-months before someone was kind enough to donate their futon. (i probably would’ve stuck with the sleeping bag if the futon hadn’t basically been handed to me.) i can certainly do 3 months of whatever i decide on, whether it’s a sleeping bag or a thin futon mattress type thing.

another thing that my co-workers raised their eyebrows about is the lack of cable. okay, i admit that i must have internet access, but cable? like a tv? i’m too much of an npr junkie at this point to care for tv. (i love you, ira glass!) i watch tv when it’s there, like at the hotel and living with my sister, who had insisted we get cable. but for myself, i can do without it. i have netflix. i can get tv shows on dvd. yeah, i will only see the shows after everyone else, but i like not having to revolve my life around a show’s schedule and remembering to record it. the other nice thing about seeing a show on dvd is that i can watch the season continuously; i don’t have to be at the whim of the networks, when they decide when to air the next episode.

less things means a simpler life. at least supposedly. i’m looking forward to it.

shreveport, louisiana

this past week has been a whirlwind. i was visiting friends in boston when i got a call for a job in shreveport, louisiana. the next day, which was this past thursday, i left boston; on friday, ran a whole bunch of errands that included an optometrist appointment for new contact lenses and involved walking over 40 blocks in manhattan (there was no form of transportation that's worth waiting for when walking from point A to point B takes only 15 minutes...i just had a lot of destinations to hit...); flew out to shreveport today, saturday. all happened in 3 days. i don't know ANYONE on this crew. the person who called is a friend of a friend. but i have a good feeling about this and think i'll get along with everyone. after all, my department consists of all guys, except for one person who does her own thing and doesn't sound like someone i'd interact with as much as the guys.

oh yeah, not to mention the unc-usc game last night. how awesome for unc to come back from a 16-point deficit and be classy about it, holding the ball during the last 7 seconds instead of scoring and hugging the other team as the clock ticked down to the final buzzer. for a moment there, i hid my face in my hands in disbelief that we were down by double digits in the second half: "why is this happening?!" my sister and i screamed so much that i wouldn't have been surprised if our neighbors had called the cops. after half time, the intensity was so high with the deficit that we were on our feet for the rest of the game. as the game played on, my sister noticed we were inching towards the television: "as if us moving closer to the television is going to help," to quote my sister. well, maybe it did. but more likely, thanks to roy williams playing the deep bench, we had the energy to take over as usc's endurance dwindled. our zeal came back, and two minutes into the second half, we dictated the game. this is why unc is #1.

need an iron...

but don't have one? try a tea kettle. i also recommend lining your kitchen countertop with a dish towel for an ironing board-like surface.

acc

so there was some talk about north carolina losing its dominance at the acc as a state. yeah, unc did get beat by virginia tech twice and also by georgia tech once out of two games. duke had no chance at the acc this year. wake forest...well, they're only a north carolina team by geographical default. but who made it to the finals? unc and north carolina state. those of you who had doubts about north carolina as the reigning state of the acc can shove it!

even though the tarheels won today, the wolfpacks put up a great fight. we had only played 2 games in the past 2 days whereas nc state had played 4 games within the past week, 3 of which were back to back. i wouldn't have been surprised had they been a little exhausted and sluggish as boston college had been, but they weren't. their energy and focus were on the game every moment and pushed the tarheels as a formidable and respectable opponent. (boston college, on the other hand, started yesterday's game by shoving unc around. within the first 3 minutes of the game, a bc player pushed the ball in hansbrough's face mask, probably unintentionally, like henderson from duke unintentionally gave tyler the broken nose at the match up on 3/4/2007. but i'm sure it still hurts like a mofo.) had unc not been playing as well as we did today, nc state definitely would've had a good chance of beating us. we wanted the championship as much as they did, however. it's only a shame that nc state, after taking out both #2 virginia and #3 virginia tech, won't be in the ncaa. both unc and nc state gave a phenomenal performance. but there can only be one winner, and that's the tarheels.

and now onward to the ncaa!